Yesterday I was informed by my Internet provider that they were adding exciting and wonderful things to our email during the next couple of days. They said not to worry, our emails will not be lost in the process and will be sent asap during this magnificent transformation.
All I heard was DON'T WORRY, WE WILL BE HOLDING ONTO YOUR EMAILS FOR ETERNITY WHILE WE DO SOMETHING STUPID THAT YOU PROBABLY WON'T EVEN USE.
You see, I cannot live without my email and Internet. Not for one hour. Not for one day. When I first checked my email this morning, one little email snuck through. I knew this was wrong, for I usually get at least fifteen or more at the start of my day.
I could feel my throat tighten as I hit the send/receive button again, hoping for some Internet heaven miracle. Nothing. In fact, my email barked, "Do you really think that you are getting your email? Bahaaaaa!!!!"
Sure, this could only be a couple of days, but don't they realize that I may be dead by then? I need to fill out their complaint form, asking them the following:
How can I enjoy your fabulous newly serviced email system if I've gone mad, waiting for my email? Please forward my emails that you are holding for ransom to the bottom of the muddy Mississippi, where I will be after jumping off a bridge. Have a nice day.