Future male model

Showing off my grand baby one more time.

Not as sweet as she looks

She smiles so sweetly as she secretly plans to pack his bags and ship him out.

Jessica's due date has arrived and we're still waiting

Today is my daughter's official due date and I was sure that she would have had that little snot long before today. We've been through trips to the hospital, many "keep this labor going" walking, lugging the bags in and out of the car, "Mom, this is it" cries and many sleepless nights of wondering if this is it.

But, it is finally the day that the baby is SUPPOSE to come. Hmm, it's strange, but I all feel like we've already gone through the whole thing already so much that I'm completely calm today. If it turns out that this little man was just waiting until the doc's calculations to come out today, I'm sure I'll end up on the floor. But for right now, I'm ready for this.

Now, I'm not sure if my daughter is ready. I'm not talking about the birth, but parenthood. She says she's ready, but I'm not really sure if she realizes the changes she will go through when she becomes a parent. I mean, does she realize how she will become a totally different person, changing all beliefs and attitudes she has right now?

I feel I must give her a checklist of how her attitude will change towards another human being:

• Do you know that giving birth will be the worse pain you will ever feel for another human, yet you would do it all over again for them?
• Do you know that you will start not buying things for you and give everything willingly to another human?
• Do you know that you will eat another human's soggy from sucking all the cheese off Cheeto and think nothing of it?
• Do you know that you will suddenly have a great interest in how many times another human can go to the bathroom?
• Do you know that you will be giving up sleep for another human for a good four to five years-longer if they are a butthead teenager?
• Do you know that you will think nothing about changing another human's poopy butt, even when it's the greenest, runniest and worse smelling poop you've ever seen?
• Do you know that you will never care so much and would even DIE for another human as you will for this human?
• Do you know you will love all of this?

Boo!

I always say that my daughter Emily, is 3 going on 19. I fear that I've been cheated out of the toddler years with her because she acts so much older then her age. While other little princesses would love to watch Cinderella or the Aristocats, she would rather watch CSI-not that I let her. But, I'd be lying if I told you she's never watched any movies that she probably shouldn't be watching.

Unfortunately, she's inherited my love of watching scary movies. Not those gory, bloody, yucky ones, but the good old fashion ghost ones.

We are both excited about October coming, because that means Halloween and Halloween means scary shows.

While flipping through the On Demand screen on the tv, I mistakenly clicked on a scary movie preview, forgetting that Emily was sitting next to me- I won't say which one because I don't need anyone writing to say that's a damn scary movie-bad mom! As soon as it started to play the preview, I could feel the burning of my child's wide eyes staring at me and I already knew what would happen next.

"Mom!"

"What?"

"I want to watch that!"

"No."

"Pleeeease??"

"You'll have bad dreams."

"No I won't. Pleeease?"

"Do you promise to put the pillow over your eyes for the scary parts?"

"Yep."

Sigh.

"Pleeeeeeeeaassssssssssse?"

"Ok. Just this one time."

(Yeah, right.)

So, we watch the movie. Of course you know what happened next. I get in trouble for letting her watch it. Now, she spooks herself over every shadow and she doesn't leave my side when it starts to get dark out.

Today, Dad gets to take her to the dentist to fix another one of her teeth. She fears the dentist now more then the Boogey man, so I think I'm off the hook for awhile.

A new give-a-way and a new discovery

So, my weekend was quite uneventful as far as a weekend could go.

A model session that I was supposed to shoot got cancelled, my daughter still hasn't had her baby and I'm still dealing with my hater reader (hmm, if you hate my blog so much then quit reading it, Asshole).

I really wondered what I would write about other then to let everyone know that I am hosting another giveaway starting today.

Momspit has graciously donated a Momspit cleanser to one lucky reader!

MomSpit - the universal no-rinse cleanser for hands and face. Works like magic, smells like heaven, cleans like soap and water without the sink.

So, comment me as many times as you would like-just make sure you tell me that you want to enter and give me a way to get a hold of you!

If you subscribe and let me know, you get 5 entries!

Ok, onto my other news.

If you read my blog, you know that my daughter's baby's dad is not in the picture anymore and that he is a no good rotten son-of-a-bitch. We thought there was hope when we heard he signed up for the Army. No such luck-he ended up not going. Well, we heard through the grapevine, that he was living in some one's backyard in their camper. I really didn't think that he would be so low as to live off of someone that way but, I just shrugged it off and put it out of my mind.

On Sunday, I did my usual routine-dropping my son off at his dad's house and taking my mom to the mall and whatnot. When it was time to pick him up, he got in the car and we drove down the road and when we turned the corner, Jessica says, "Mom, did you see who was sitting in the front yard of the last house on the block?"

"Umm, no," was my answer.

"Justin!"

Low and behold, there sat a big camper in the front yard of this house with that kid working on his ten speed out front.

I'm sure his son will be proud. It was a big reminder to Jess too, that she could be living that kind of life if she hadn't gotten out when she did. I had to laugh at the thought of the sheriff serving child support papers and having to knock of the door of the camper.

My husband had an even better thought when he realized that all of our exs live on the same street now-including his ex wife who lives a couple of blocks down!

I definitely will stay off that street!

First day of school, but I still love you

I just got out of a much needed shower after a hectic day.

Today was the first day of school for my son, so of course first thing in the morning, my daughter tells me that she thinks that her water broke when she was in the shower. Life just wouldn't be fun if it wasn't turning upside down and a turning a few circles once in awhile-don't you agree?

I first made a mental note to talk to God tonight about how to listen to prayers better and not to confuse "DO NOT let her go in labor on the first day of school" with, "Hell ya! Let's have Jess go at the least convenient time." I then called the doc and she said to go to the hospital to make sure. We decided that I would get Jordon off to school and my husband would take Jess to the hospital. Thank God that his PMS was over because this was the second day that I had to wake him up early while on his vacation from work. (thanks for asking, Anonymous)

Did you think that getting Jordon off to school went well? Of course not. He apparently still has his "school stomach ache" which he gets every time school starts and then he accidentally dropped his new glasses which broke. God? Are you listening? What? You have to answer the prayers of poor starving children? Oh fine.

So, after popping his lens back in and convincing him that the stomach ache was in his head, his ride came and I got him out the door. One crisis fixed and I was off to take on the next.

I picked up my mom and when we got to the hospital, Jess was all hooked up to the monitoring machine and was awaiting the test results.

As I look over my past posts, I see that I've been teasing you with thinking this girl is going to have that baby. Well, I'm afraid that I STILL don't have the good news of an arrival yet. At least this was the longest we stayed there (5 hours) and they did give us hope and said that she was in early labor stages, but just didn't need to stay at the hospital yet. So, even though once again I tease you, I can at least say we are one step closer to having that baby.

When animals attack

He lurked in the shadows, waiting for the chance to pounce. His prey, unaware of his presence, innocently eat their food. He waits for the perfect timing.

Then, without any notice, he pounces out at them and yells-

"Why, are we having THIS for supper?! Where are my socks?! Why aren't the cars moved?!

Yes, it's an episode of When Husbands Attack.

I'm not really sure WHATS up his butt. Maybe it's that corn cob I stuck up it the other day-Wait. No, I'm pretty sure I didn't stick anything up his butt in the last 3 days. But, apparently, he thinks I did because he's been on mine.

This started on Monday morning and it was like he went through this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing over night and now I'm waiting Jack Nicholson to walk in with an axe and say, Hereeeeeeeeeeee's, Johnny!

Even this morning his usual, Good morning, Tess! was exchanged for, Where's my pj pants? You always move them when you clean. Where. Where. Whereeeeeeeee are they?

I so politely answered ( under my breath), Why Honey, they are up your ass where I stuck everything else. Don't you remember?

I will give the man until today to get over this frickin' male PMS and if he doesn't, I'm going to do a Lorena Bobbit and when he demands where his penis is, I'm going to tell him to bend WAY over and take a good hard look.

Hello? Are you in there?

It's been a long weekend of false alarms and tired feet. Jessica had gone to the doc on Friday and they said she was 2 cm dilated and I was like, oh yeah! She's actually not due until the 29th, but the doc said that she definitely won't make her due date. I was hoping for the baby to come over the weekend, so we wouldn't have to worry about school starting this week and getting Jordon there for his first day. So, when she woke up Saturday with cramping, I thought that maybe my first grandchild was a perfect angel and would be my new favorite kid in the world.

Jessica wanted to try to do the walking around thing to get things going and we had planned on going to the zoo as a last event before school, but we thought maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. It's kind of far away and if she did start to go into labor, I don't know if the long drive back would be safe. Besides, if she ended up delivering at the zoo and by the monkeys, we'd have to end up naming him Bonzo or something which wouldn't go too well when he started school.

We decided to go to the mall after running around, getting last minute supplies for the hospital visit. I'm still not sure how we are going to entertain a 3 year old for 12 hours+ in a waiting room-maybe she can help out with a c-section or something.

After about 2 hours of walking around the mall, while trying to convince Emily that we didn't need to go into every store or buy something, we were pooped. Did her pains get worse? Nope. She wanted to rest, so we went to get something to eat and went home.

I tried to convince the baby how wonderful it would be if he came out now and how I would give him some candy if he would please come out today.

Did he listen? Nope. Apparently, my children told him that if you want to get on my good side, DON'T do what I say. Those brats-I'll remember this at Christmas time.

When Sunday came, mom-to-be woke up with no pains except for sore legs from walking. I guess it's a lesson that she should learn early that kids don't always cooperate when you want them to-starting way before they're even born.

A movie star in the making

Today is an exciting day!
Donald Borchers, a producer from the original movie, "Children of the Corn" will be shooting a remake in the Quad-Cities next month and they are casting children for it this week. We found out they were looking for some toddlers, so we decided to let Emily try out! My husband is taking her and she's so excited. She loves scary movies and even though I may be biased, she has such a cute personality- I hope she wins them over!
We ran out last night to get her a new outfit and shoes-which cost us a small fortune, so if she gets a part, I hope we at least get our cost back-lol! The remake will debut on cable television’s Sci-Fi Channel next year in the United States and be distributed in theaters around Europe.
Wish us luck!

Her "Children of the Corn" pose.

And the slime slithered out from under a rock

Yesterday, I received my first hate mail.

At first, it kind of stung me. I really didn't think I was to that status of being famous enough to attract scum that for some reason, have nothing better to do but stalk and write hate words. I have to thank this reader for making me realize that I'm finally a celebrity! Awesome! I will be sure to start getting some 8x10 glossys to have on hand for people to sign.

Oh, and your sentence about me thinking I'm so perfect made me laugh so much, I practically fell off the chair! Read my posts, Man. I'm far from perfect unlike you probably are. Are you sitting in your mom's basement right now, reading this while picking your ugly nose?

I really would like to learn from you, for I'm sure you have more great words of wisdom. Oh wait, how can I when, even though you felt that you needed to open my eyes to what a liar I was, you didn't have the balls to sign your name or give me anyway to contact you- PUSSY.

Too sexy for my shirt

Grandpa helped out with baby while I helped mama get changed and what not.
He asked why Zachary's face was so red- I said because you're so hot!

The land of the bad moms

If moms didn't already going around feeling horrible and guilty all the time anyway, there's always something or somebody to make you feel worse. I'm sure all moms have many secrets as to what goes on behind closed doors. Some even dare to blog it to the world (gee, who would be stupid enough to do that?) But, we do what works, even if everyone doesn't agree. Heck, after reading about Dooce's daughter's episodes with only eating certain foods, I don't feel as bad. Not really. I mean, I feel like pulling my hair out when my youngest refuses to drink anything in the morning but soda. Or, when my middle child spends most of his time on the computer and well, my oldest is ready to have a baby. Could I be any worse of a mother?

Apparently so. Last night, I was getting everything ready to go to my son's school registration today(14th) when I happen to glance over the school papers we received in the mail a couple of weeks ago and stopped dead in my tracks. The words that were there all the time though apparently I missed, read this:

Registration: August 12th.

I HAD MISSED HIS REGISTRATION.

Now, I can be officially granted the highest honor in the land of bad moms. How could a mom miss her child's school registration? Granted, it was a mix up of dates but nobody gives a mom a break. We are supposed to be perfect. Our children's protector, etc., etc.

I felt so horrible that I couldn't sleep very well. When I did sleep, I dreamt of being screamed at by the principal while pointing a gigantic finger at me saying, Bad, Bad Mom!

So, I headed off to the school this afternoon, wearing sunglasses and a wig- not really, because my son stated to me that they still will know who I was- duh, mom.

Well, all turned out ok and they didn't threaten to take him away for my stupidity. Though, I heard whispering as I was leaving and I could of swore it sounded something like, What a bad mom...

Man's best friend

Jesse and I have a good relationship. He is a good husband when he wants to be and I can't complain-too much.

We don't really have too many fights and being married forever, he KNOWS what makes me mad and for me vice-versa. Whether we choose to embark on this journey to make the other mad depends on the mood one might be in at the time.

I'm pretty simple; don't complain about my cooking, (even though I can't cook and everyone knows it) if I forget to clean or do the laundry (argh, the laundry) and don't question me as a parent. If you choose to cross these lines, you better have some expensive jewelry wrapped up in a pretty little box in your hand.

I think my husband has been getting bored with the usual stuff that makes me mad and he's been looking to expand his horizon that department. We have a couple of big screen TVs- I guess you would call them his and hers. I (meaning me and the kids) get the old one upstairs and he has the newer and nicer one downstairs-yet, he takes over the TV upstairs all the time. This is fine with me, really, but he's started this annoying habit.

I have to start by saying that he and I have very different tastes in TV shows. I like to watch reruns of comedies like Reba, Seinfeld, Three and a half men, etc. which are mainly on our local stations. This drives him crazy because he feels that since cable and Satellite have granted us access to 4000 channels, we should take advantage of it and he'll flip through them all. He will then find some show on the Biography channel (snore) or watch the country music channel. This is all fine with me when I'm not really watching anything except he does this one thing every time- he finds a channel to watch and THEN HE LEAVES THE ROOM.

Why?! What drives this man to do this? Is this a man thing? I have yet to figure this out and even though I've pointed this out to him several times, he insists that he doesn't do it.

I've decided that the next time he comes walking in the living room and heads for the remote, I'm throwing myself on it like it's a live grenade. If he tries for it still, I'm going to spit some curse on him and throwing the remote out the window. I'm sure he'll just look at me all cockeyed and then go tell his fellow buddies that he's married to a crazy woman.

Yeah, like I'm the crazy one...

You don't realize what you have until it's gone

Saturday, I woke up to find our Internet gone when I tried to go online to do some research on my book. I had planned to work on it for most of the day so I would have most of the book finished.

My first thought was, that maybe I didn't pay the bill. I checked and that was fine. Then, I decided to call my Internet service number and got a busy signal. Ahh, must be a problem there because even though they are a major chain, they hide whenever they mess up something. I didn't worry too much since they usually fix things in a matter of a couple of hours or so.

Well, then the morning passed and still no Internet. Now, I started to worry. That's when I started to get the frantic calls from everyone else that has the same service, "Is your Internet out too??" "How can I live without the Internet?" "Don't they know that I will die without the Internet?!"

You don't realize that you rely on something so drastically until it's gone. So, after I hung up the phone, I tried to remember what I used to do without the Internet. Hmm, that's too long ago to try to remember so, I looked around. Wow, when did the house get a mess? Have the kids been fed yet?

Maybe I've relied on Mr. Internet a little too much. Ok, I can do this, I said to myself. I can go a day without the world wide web. But, what if I'm missing some important email? Okay, now stop. It'll be ok, I reassured myself. (I talk to myself alot.)

I decided my goal would be to do a belated spring cleaning of the whole house. I decided I would start with the bedrooms and would work my way to the basement.

This wasn't that hard of a task and I kind of enjoyed it! Bedroom one, two and three-done. Bathroom-done. Kitchen and living room-done. I was so proud of myself! Okay, now I was down to the laundry. I really hate laundry. I mean, I really, really, really hate laundry. Maybe I'll just do a quick check on the computer. Damn, still no Internet. I looked over at the big pile of laundry. Maybe, I could take a break. Yeah, a break sounds good.

Well, my break turned into taking the kids out to eat and going shopping.

Did the laundry get done?

Nope. I'm still proud of myself for surviving the day away from my life source, the Internet.

As you can see, it came back. It took until the next morning, in fact, before it was working again.

I think though, that I will send a quick note to my Internet provider not to ever take my Internet away again unless they never want to see their first born again.

It's soooo close now!

My daughter Jessica, came back from her doctor's appointment today to tell me that she told her that she's 1 cm dilated. Oh my gosh, was my reaction. This could happen anytime now. I really don't know if I ever came out of my shock when I was first informed by my husband (she was too afraid to tell me herself) that she was pregnant. I mean, I've helped her get ready and I've bought all the cute clothes that you see when you go to the store. We've made most of the arrangements and I've even gone with her with her to the birth class. Every thing's gone smoothly and (she) even survived the breakup with the father of the child. But, it's just so strange because I feel like I'm doing all this while watching from a far. It's sort of like it's a dream and I'm going to wake up any minute and God's going to say to me, "Ha! Gotcha! Now, go keep a better eye on your kid or this will happen!"

I think I really got the reality check today that this is going to happen when I heard the word, dilated. That baby is coming out of there whether I believe it or not.

This will be such a new experience- I'm going to be a grandma. I'm really going to be a grandma. I know some may say that I'm a selfish ass-that my daughter will be the one going through a tough time being a new mom-a young one at that! She should be shopping for dorm decor, not Winnie the Pooh decor and packing for college, not for her stay at the hospital!

That's all true but come on people, this affects all of us and most of what I'm going through is about her. I feel bad for her, but deep down, I know she'll be ok. I mean, I can still hope for the best, right?

The strange thing about all of this is all this baby this and baby that stuff has kind of made me miss having a baby of my own-Ok, somebody hit me over the head now, please?

Stumble It!

The other woman

Yesterday, as we laid in bed watching TV, my husband told me about how he got mad at his cousin because his son leaned against his car. He told me how he was so furious at him for possibly scratching his perfectly black loaded SS Impala that they made up a reason to leave.

You see, my husband is obsessed with his car. He rubs her down every night- I barely get a back rub unless I offer money. He would go without food first to get the expensive waxes to polish her and then he asks why I need to spend $20 on my powder base. He whispers sweet nothings under her hood and then whispers to me, Honey, when was the last time you shaved your legs?

The other woman, she is.

But, he's been frustrated lately because he can't figure out why scratch marks keep popping up even though he takes care of his precious girl so much.

That reminds me, I need to go out to the garage.

Now, where did I put that nail file?

Flower tree

This sits outside my son's window.

He hates it because the spiders like to crawl on the flowers and some how make it into his room. Good thing it's his room and not mine.

A room with a view

This is a view of what we see over our fence in our backyard. We want to move to a bigger house next year and this has been my biggest dilemma of possibly not finding another perfect backyard view. I will probably be a pain in the ass to our realtor when I run through every house and out the back door to see what's out back. I apologize in advance to whoever is the lucky one to help find us a "backyard view".

Bad TV

While sitting on the couch, watching TV while Emily played with her barbies next to me, I happened to catch her conversation between her two dolls-a boy doll and a girl one.

"Do you want to go on a date?"

"Sure!"

"Great! Where do you want to go?"

"I know- let's go over to my house and lay down in my bed."

"Okay!"

I think maybe I let her watch too much big people TV.

Drum roll, pleeeease!

It's over! It's over!

I'm happy to announce that we have the winners picked for our July Contest.

Did you win?

Well, if you are one of the people below, you did.

I'll start with 3rd place winners:

Itsy Bitsy Yoga dvd

Winners:

Kristinia - Loving Heart Mommy

Insane Mama

moodr

Jenna

queenoftheclick

Stacey Moore

Jamie Peterson

2nd Place winner:

A Play House ($70 value) from

Stubby Pencil Studio

A gift fromTa tas

Kristie Scarffe

AND

the

first

place

winner

is.............

Dana !!!!

Yep Dana, you win all of this!

Grand Prize:

$20 gift certificate to

The Bowtique

A onesie or tshirt (winners choice) from

Zoe & Sprout

$50 gift certificate from

The Warm Biscuit Bedding Company

A $25 gift voucher from

Tiny Nut

A cool little hat from

Little Fit

GRiPPiES from

GRiPPiES

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Thanks to everyone for leaving comments and I hope you still stay a reader cause my life is full of funny things!

Winners names will be sent to companies and they will deal with you directly. If you don't hear from them soon, please let me know!

Have fun with your prizes!

Now, I'm going to go be sad that it's all over. Is it too early for a drink?